At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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