the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
