i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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