I cannot find my penis.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Randomize
