Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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