): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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