My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
