I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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