She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
