So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
it was like eating out sand paper
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
