Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize