Pass out mid-funnel last night.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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