Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Found the puke drawer
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
