If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
