ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
