Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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