I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
