A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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