Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
