new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
