Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
