Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
