she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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