How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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