Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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