I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
