thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
