If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
