She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
