plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
My cat gives me a boner
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
