Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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