Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Randomize
