come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
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