he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize