the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
