When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
