Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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