My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
