the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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