I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
