Banned from zoo.
Again?
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
