quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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