The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
