I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
