Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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