I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Randomize
