i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
