Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize