Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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