Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
