Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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