everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
