I think my vagina is haunted
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
