Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Randomize
