I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
She's not a foreskin expert like you
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
