I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize