the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
