Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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