By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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