Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
