don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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